An Empty Note

Kata PK HEM di sekolah menengah dulu,

"Hidup adalah Mati"
"Kita Hidup untuk Mati."

Tiap kali mass assembly pada hari Ahad, itu perkataan yang dia akan cakap. Sampai menjadi ajukan pelajar-pelajar lain...Bagi pelajar belasan tahun, tak tersirat apa yang cuba disampaikan beliau.

Kini setelah lebih 10 tahun, saya lebih dari memahami maksud kata-kata beliau. Setelah kematian orang-orang terdekat dihadapi satu persatu, dan walaupun diri menyangka sudah cukup kuat untuk menerima lagi berita-berita sedih sedemikian, tapi hati tetap hati.. Why does emotional wound brought so much tears, when not even a single physical scar could be seen?


I might not be the brightest crayon in the box, but a research student i was, and I enjoyed my project very much. I loved what i did, and with total support from previous sv and internal examiner, i was looking forward to bring my research to another level, seeing the potential that it had and the contribution it might give to the community. But that was all.

The feeling, the guilt, the anger and the frustrations Ive had, for choosing to (have to) be a stay-at-home-mom...were beyond words. What could be worse when you were dumped with the feeling that you were nothing more than an object for someone else's convenience, an accessory cum a tool for perfecting someone else's life? A mom and a wife - two words that in themselves, carry the meaning that you are a 'job'.

It  was hard for me. None of my high school or even uni friends were SAHM, like me. That was just adding some salts to the already wounded heart. And I was totally alone! Alone in facing my own emotional distress.

Then there was this friend, we were quite close ( i must say that somehow, we whom were in the uni's postgrad's/ hostel had this very strong bond). She was one, of only two 'studying' moms, whom i looked up very much. While other moms seemed to have difficulty to fully concentrate on their study and research (I know it wasnt easy, it wasnt their fault either, i'd be too), she had all my respect for being very smart and hardworking, while at the same time, had never once used family or kids as the excuse for not showing up in the classes, or demanding a postponement for exams, or not coming up with good results for her project.  For the novelty in her reasearch alone, i think she should have got an A++ for her viva :)

She almost finished her second year of her master degree in Germany, but sacrificed it all to be with her husband on his request. That was how she ended up continuing her master in Malaysia, and this time, without scholarships. And again, after that, she opted to be a SAHM to be fully devoted to her family...and her husband. What a woman!

Ive learnt a lot from her on that particular matter - of being a SAHM. I asked her, what made her give up her passions in research, or how she deal with guilt and anger etc? And she always have this nice and logical answers. And her facebook status were full of positive words..I didnt know if those words were actually some 'hagemashi' to convince her own self for being a SAHM, but i guessed they worked wonder on me. Her words awed me in every possible way. And I began to love my status now. It might not be the most glamorous job in the world, but who could doubt that it is indeed one of the noblest work in the hereafter.

She might not know it, but she's been my inspiration, she made me happy with what i do everyday, she made me happy again :) She had so much brilliant future lied ahead of her, but she chose to devote her life for her family... and her husband. I felt so ashamed of myself.

Saya masih ingat jenaka beliau, ketika itu suaminya, (antara pensyarah phd termuda di UIA) datang melawat study room untuk post graduate kami. Walaupun suaminya tidak begitu saya kenal, reputasi beliau sangat hebat. Hate it or love it, semua atau kebanyakan pelajar-pelajar di bawah seliaan beliau memang menghasilkan research yang bagus-bagus, dan dapat menamatkan thesis dalam tempoh yang ditetapkan. Jadi sangatla saya segan dengan suami beliau nih. So walaupun waktu tu hati dah ingat nak kuar g dinner, terpaksa juga berlakon buat-buat sibuk. Tetapi kawan saya ini, dengan kuatnya bertanya...

Her: "Ehh, suamiku hensem nggak?"
Me: "Aaa?" (Giler merah mukaku)
Her: "Suamiku hensem nggak? Aku rasa suami suamiku sungguh hensem."
Me: "Kak W nih..."
Her: "Serious nih. Aku rasa suamiku paling hensem di dunia.. Kalau si Zal.. (kawan kami) itu no 13 hensemnya, kalau si Iw( kawan kami juga) tuh aku kira mungkin no 131. Suamiku hensem no 1 di di dunia."
Me: Hehe..(Suaminya kat sebelah kitorang terus pegi jalan-jalan konon tak dengar perbualan kami)
Her: "Yer la, bagi kamu suamimu mestilah no 1 hensem di dunia..Tapi suamiku kan tetap hensem. Kiranya no 2,3 la kalau bagi kamu..."
Me: Yerrr...hensemmmmm! Suami kak W memang hensem.. (Aduhhh~ tatau nak sorok muka macamana)

And two nights ago, we received the news.

Her husband had passed away.
....
....
....
....
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Al-Fatihah.


Al-Fatihah buat Prof. Wahyudi Martono. Kehilangan seorang professor muda yang bukan calang-calang ilmunya...Moga roh beliau dicucuri rahmat-Nya dan amalnya diterima sepertimana orang-orang mu'min yang lain. Dan moga diberikan kekuatan kepada kak W dan anak-anak beliau, dan dipermudahkan perjalanan di dunia dan diluaskan rezeki mereka. Moga tabah menghadapi hari-hari mendatang...

I've lost words..