Shades of Pink

I love pink! And all shades of pink. I think the color does reflect my personality the best. I wear pink (or yellow) for luck!

post-grad in pink!

It was not until I gave birth to my daughter that I had these silly ideas that pink is just so lame and boring and childish, that I decided not to like it anymore. Dont hate me, I have had lots of experiences being treated like a sophomore student so it wasnt totally my fault when I tried too hard to "look matured"? (That was how a friend used to describe me errr...)

So I chose other colors, yellow, red, brown and everything else, trying my best not to dive into shades of pink. Although some colors like black really did not do me justice, I began to love the other bright and pastel colors too, but alas, pink still remains "my color". And I guess it really obvious because I kept receiving gifts in...err.. pink.

Ms Sanae made me choose between the two pairs of Japanese handkerchiefs so when I instinctively took this pair, she smiled and said that, "I knew you'd love the pink-red pair"..Wohoho, what an open book I was :P  Arigatou ne :D

Well, i did say that i opt for this color for luck but Nitz was so funny, she went a step ahead and left some coins in the purses that she gave me. She told me that it was Filipinos' belief that to put some coins in the purse would bring some good luck..adih. So yeay, this is my ang pau raya for this year, i guess.

 I was long looking for a bag with a lot of rooms and compartments to keep all my stuff well organized inside, without being bulky or with the excess weight. I was shopping around when my husband took this one out of the rack and said, "This is pretty. How about this one?"

I took a glance and I saw pink, so trying not to add more pink into my collection, I hesitated. I thought it looked buky and..mmm, cold. But he insisted me to try it on. Hmm, I guess I would just go with the flow, no harm in trying a new bag right? But when I laid my hand on the soft, supple leather, guess what, Im sold!

It was beautiful. It was all that I was looking for. I love it. Yesss..I want I want.

It was B. Makowsky Toulousse Shopper. Mine is in Hibiscus color.

Compared to other brand names, it is relatively very new in the ladies industries and came in much cheaper prices than those famous names, coach lv etc. But alas, Im not into names. But guess what, I fell in love with almost all B. Makowsky designs that Im thinking of having the bag in white or turquoise as well :P You can check them out here

Ini adalah "hadiah bersalin", dari mr Z

Sebut pasal pink, mestila kena sebut baju pink juga.. The latest pink tops from my closet would be -->

:)
Perasan tak? Baju pink tuh..Baju nursing t-shirt muslimah dari mymuslimart. I love~e it. Very comfortable and modest. Check them out at mymuslimart.com, not much left.. or add our facebook "sales mymuslimart"

Nak buat kek pink la harini.. Ceria-ceriakan hati sendiri

After the Birth

I pride myself and pat my own shoulder for being strong enough to face the delivery and the physical and emotional changes alone.. when other friends told me that they think I was really strong that I can sit on the floor as early as 3,4 days after the operation, I thought to myself, "yes, i did it. i overcame all the physical and emotional challenges. I survived :P"

But the sadness and guilty and anger and hundreds other feelings still haunt me once a while, again and again and again and again. I thought me being alone was the reason i ve been sad and depressed, and i thought that the backpain that has been bothering me everytime i did some simple chores were the reason ive been angry, and i thought that being unable to look after aisyah properly, and give her undivided attention as i did before the birth of her brother, was the reason for me to have this guilty feeling...

And I wanted more than what my husband can give me, I wanted some warm and loving words, undivided attention, care, and deep inside my heart, i wanted him to be by my side and understand my feeling. I wanted him to be a mind reader, which was ridiculous. And I got frustrated when he was anything but that. And the de ja vu of the mixed feelings will start all over again.. in the end of the day, I would find myself all alone with the feelings of guilt, angry, frustrated, tired and everything overwhelming me.

I thought I was going crazy, and I cant take it anymore. I believed that this is not some post-partum blues. No one in my family have this depression, not that i know. All the women in our family are strong and brilliant, they are everything but weak - mom, sis, aunts, grandmas... I didnt remember any one of them cried or consulted to the doc for being depressed...But as the negative feelings started to taking over my sanity, I knew I had to do something.. And these things are not like you can tell it straight to your husband or friends' faces. You can tell your husband, "Im not well, I have back pain and I need to rest for some time". He'd understand that, but you cant simply tell him "Im depressed, I need some warm words from you. Say something, anything, make me myself again". What would he do?

So I did some research by myself, and found out hundreds thousands sources in the net pointing out the "depression after caeserean birth".. and am glad that i wasnt alone. I thought Im being selfish and that moms giving c-section birth would not suffer from emotional depression, but I was wrong. And Im glad that I was wrong :P Ok, so im not crazy, and it isnt that Allah has neglected my prayer or anything, like someone said. It is ok to admit that you are weak, but just be careful, you dont want to be hit on your faces or being cursed "stupid" "tak malu" "insane"... You just need to talk to the right person, perhaps "a woman that is dear to you" like ur mom or sis or besties :P

Here are some of the things I found on the net... hehe, looked like "the net" is the "woman that is dear to me" now, how sad. Huh~ I just miss my girlfriends, they are all over the world but canada...

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While it isn’t talked about much, Caesarean Depression DOES exist. Some women feel as though they have failed, and feel extremely "let down" by the process of having a Caesarean instead of a vaginal birth. Some women actually experience nightmares or anxiety attacks. This type of depression can last for weeks or years.

source: here

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When I held my daughter in my arm's for the first time, I was overwhelmed with emotions that I had never before experienced. All at once I was consumed with love, warmth and the overwhelming need to protect and nurture her. While these feelings stayed with me, I also began to feel emotions that I was completely unprepared for.

I expected to experience the post partum "blues", but the feelings that ran through me went much further than that. I was suddenly angry, sad, guilty, and resentful about everything surrounding my Caesarean Section. Instead of looking back at the birth of my daughter with happiness, I felt as though I had deprived myself and my daughter of a vaginal birth. I often found myself in tears, unable to explain these feelings to anyone.

Days, weeks and months went by and the feelings remained. My life continued on as normal, but I was constantly plagued by feelings of "what if." What if I had eaten healthier during my pregnancy? What if I had waited a little bit longer before agreeing to the Caesarean? It wasn't until I began talking with other woman who had undergone Caesareans that I began to realize that those feelings were normal.

Anger & Resentment:
It´s perfectly normal to feel angry after the fact. You may be angry at yourself, angry at your doctor, or angry at the nurses. You may resent the fact that the chain of events occurred like they did. You may resent your doctor for performing the procedure, or the nurses for being there.


Disappointment and Sadness:
It´s perfectly normal to feel disappointed about having a caesarean. You may feel as though you failed because you were unable to have a vaginal birth. You may feel disappointed and sad because you didn't get to experience pushing, or watching the baby's head crown.

Guilt:
Guilt is a common emotion after having a Caesarean. You may feel as though you must have done something wrong during pregnancy or labor to end up needing a Caesarean. You may feel guilty because you couldn't control the circumstances surrounding your Caesarean.

Regret:
It is common to feel regret about having a Caesarean. You may regret not being able to labor a little bit longer. If you feel as though your Caesarean was unnecessary, you may regret not having said no, or asking more questions.

Inadequacy:
Feelings of inadequacy after having a Caesarean are normal. You may feel inadequate as a mother, or as a woman since you were unable to delivery vaginally.


It took quite some time for many of these feelings to fade away. Some of them I still feel, and each day I try to improve my take on the entire situation. It is important to remember that these feelings are normal. These emotions coupled with post partum "blues" can leave you feeling emotionally drained. Depending on the circumstances surrounding your Caesarean, you may experience different levels of these emotions.


If you feel as though you are overwhelmed by these feelings, or if you begin to experience any of the symptoms of post partum depression it is important to contact your doctor. In some cases Caesarean Depression can develop. While not widely discussed, Caesarean Depression exists and should be treated.

sources: here 

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Now, I just need to know how to overcome and control these emotions. Aint I glad that Im not losing my sanity? pheww~

Boomerang Life

She said, "It's good that we came here you know, if you were in your country and I in mine, we would have never met each other in the first place"

So we bid each other good bye. And saying good bye has never been easy for me. And the next day, they would be home in their own sunny country.

We were nobody in this foreign land. And we've been supporting each other in every possible way. Kokoro no sasagiai. We were overwhelmed by their cozy and warm words and the abundance of love and support.

There were so many things we've learned from them. MANY. And one of them is the fact that no matter how hard you try to mingle with the others, they would be nice to you because they ARE indeed very nice people. Because they wanted to be nice. And it has nothing to do with you. It is His bless and His Mercy that you have the chance to get to know these kind people.

"You are like a sister to me. We'll meet again one day." And I found a strong confidence in her words.
"Insya-Allah", I answered. Still very surprised by everything, thinking that she would be around for sometimes. Even planned some picnic together...

It's a boomerang life. We travel thousand kilometres away from home, but still we would always come back to where we belong.

Alas, friends come and friends go. But true friends stay in your heart forever.
"Yes, we'll meet again. Im sure." I said.

An Incidental Birthday Cake

I had this delicious carrot cake when I was in the St Boniface Hospital, and was planning to make one but had always ended up with some lame excuses such as..you know, the kids were being difficult, some of the ingredients were not available, the time...blablabla. But I went crazy when I saw in datin K's blog the cake she made for her family that sure look as delicious as, if not more than, the one that I had after the delivery. I want! I want!

So there you go, I made one. I can assure you it was as yummy and healthy as well :) As I was layering the frosting, my not-so-little anymore Aisyah came in:


Aisyah: Wow. I want to blow! I want to blow!
Me: What? Blow? Why do you want to blow?
Aisyah: It's a birthday cake.
Me: Ic

I decided to give my cake a pretty topper by adding some sprinkles. Alas, that was all I could think of :P As I was sprinkling the tiny stuff, she interrupted again

Aisyah: Is that mine?
Me: Err...yup!
Aisyah: Wow. We need more of this (referring to the sprinkles)

Amboi! So you want me to add more sprinkles because it was "your cake"? hmm...
Sian, birthday tahun nih mama gave birth to her brother so I was totally worn out..and both mr z and I have decided not to make candle-blowing-cake as our family custom, so we gave her some toys etc without the cake, but I guess she figured it out by herself.

So here's our incidental birthday cake,

Comot kek mama, but we liked it very much that I made it again today..ngehehe.
3 strawberries to mark 3 years..err, didnt plan on that either. Happy very belated birthday, Aisyah :)

Baby Carrot

Well, Aisyah refused to be called 'baby'. For her, "Baby" is a special word meant for her little brother..

Mr Z: Ni baby papa jugak kan?
Aisyah: (Snapped) No! This is Aisyah, this is no baby. That is baby. (pointing her finger at her little brother)

At the other time, she saw this scene where the cartoon characters were using carrots as the swords. So that's what she wanted to do so, and she asked for some carrots.

Mr Z: We dont have carrots anymore. But we have baby carrot. I'll give you baby carrot.
Aisyah: Haa?
Mr Z: This is baby carrot
Aisyah: Baby???!
Mr Z: Yeah, this is baby carrot.
Aisyah: Baby? Noooo. This is no baby! That is baby (again pointing out Ayyan)

And last night,
Aisyah: Mama, can I have baby carrot?
Mama: Ok.
I gave her one.She ran to her baby brother.
 Aisyah: Baby,  Baby~yy. This is baby's carrot. 

And she tried to 'feed' him the baby carrot.. :P

Ok, so she had mistaken "baby carrot" for "baby's carrot"...

I had a pleasant surprise one day when I found out that ->

She rocked the cradle and even sang for him. Guess what, she placed her favorite "baby tiger" in his cradle for him to cuddle and managed to get him to sleep, for the first time. I am amazed. In this case, she is totally the opposite of me. Coz she took care of her brother quite well, I must say. :P

So far so good. Alhamdulillah
Hari nih dah 44 hari, yeay!! 

Ayyan Fateh

Aisyah took this picture :P

Makanan Pantang versi Winnipeg

Antara soalan wajib dijawab (selepas melahirkan anak) ialah
1. "anak nama apa, boy or girl, c or normal etc.."
2. "macamana kakak punya reaksi dengan adiknya"
3. "macamana pantang di kanada"

Ehehe, entry nih untuk soalan ketiga tuh. Tajuk karangan hari ni ialah "Mari Berpantang di Kanada"

Lepas c-section tempohari, berbanding dengan operation first time dulu, they did not put me into sleep immediately, as they said, the procedure of putting a mother to sleep immediately after the operation could increase the death rate by 15%...Huhu~ how was I to know that I was like 15% closer to death last time..

Eh, apasal jadi bahasa inggeris kanada pulak nih..pening nak baca..takper hentam sajala..

I was warded for 4 days. So antara makanan yang diorang kasi for breakfast (lebih kurang jer breakfast tetiap hari) ialah:

Untuk lunch pula (2 pics jer)

Soalan:
Cuba cari 5 kesalahan di dalam ketiga-tiga gambar di atas..hehe
:
:
:
Jawapan:
1. Breakfast tapi dia kasi juice orange
2. Nescafe is provided for every breakfast
3. I had ice creams for every lunch
4. Juga crackers dan sebagainya, yang dilarang makan dulu2 takut batuk etc (c-section)
5. Pisang (dan pelbagai sayuran)..ada orang cakap tak boleh makan (sejuk?)

Mungkin tak masuk dalam pic, tapi 24hrs ada cold drinks (plain water). Air yang ada ketul2 ais lagi tuh, offered immediately after the operation :P

So yang bestnya makanan hospital ialah:
1. Selalu ada cake or sandwich for lunch. Atas tuh gambar carrot cake (yang sedap)
2. Lentil soup tuh pun marvellous
3. Malam-malam kalau lapar boleh mintak sandwiches or toasts or pudding...jadi sangat2 la dimanfaatkan kelebihan ini, nanti malam2 or kul 2,3 pagi tu nurse bawak pudding coklat, rasa macam budak2 tapi tak kisah la kan

Cik F sangat comel. Dia datang melawat the third day bawak bubur nasi yang sedap sangat, pastu saya yang takder selera makanan hospital (sebab nak makan bubur nasi ayam) terus offer sandwich, nescafe etc untuk cik F.. Pastu dia cakap, dia suka sangat makanan hospital...hahaha.. Saya pun suka makanan hospital, tapi kalau melawat orang warded la, kalau sendiri yang warded, tak besh~

Actually I owed tremendous favor kat cik F :) Dia tak baca blog nih (sebab dia suka tengok gambar jer, hehe) tapi tu la, amatla berterimakasih kat dia dan hanya Allah sahaja mampu balas, panjang ceritanya... Waktu nih pun dia tolong hantarkan ke hospital pagi-pagi, siap temankan sampai after delivery, dari bilik persiapan sampai ke recovery room dan ward around 3 pm, dan tulong jagakan Aisyah hingga montel selama 4 hari etc etc... kalau nak tulis memang kena buat karangan khas 32 muka surat.

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Makanan untuk Mr Z yang peneman setia 4 hari tuh pulak,
-Malam pertama kesian dia, terpaksa keluar cari fast food dan tidor agak kelaparan agaknya. Sebab cadangnya nak balik after delivery tapi tukar rancangan sket. Tapi keesokannya balik makan kat rumah (ada nasi + ayam yg masak siap2 sebelum tuh)

- Pastu malam2 berikutnya kawan2 ramai tulong masakkan, jazakallah. Alhamdulillah. The debt that I just dunno how to repay. Kari2 yang sedap yang memang mr z suka (isterinya nih sentiasa fail masak kari).

Bila sampai rumah, Mr Z pulak ambil alih. Tapi antara yang tak boleh ingat ialah hari pertama breakfast dia buatkan kopi dan 7 keping toast! 7 keping! TUJUH !

Pastu tiga minggu Mr Z tak masak apa-apa sangat, melainkan dia prepare food (especially for breakfast) sebab tak putus-putus makanan dihantar. Semacam ada budaya di sini orang menghantar makanan untuk ibu bersalin. Komuniti Islam yang sederhana kecil di sini membuatkan ikatan sesama Muslim erat. Ada yang tanya perlu bantuan apa2 ker seperti kemas2 umah etc, tapi takperla tak perlu sampai macam tuh. Mr Z ada kat rumah cuti 4 minggu. Cuma terus terang saya terharu dan segan juga sebab kami nih bukan siapa-siapa di bumi Winnipeg nih. Jadinya saya harap suatu hari nanti di Malaysia pun, kalau ada kawan2 foreigner yg kesusahan di Malaysia, we would try to do the same, pay forward.

Minggu ketiga ke atas tuh baru Mr Z masak. Antara masakan beliau
- caesarean salad
- jus carrot
- nasi ayam
- nasi beriani
- tandoori ayam
- butter chicken 
- sup Chiang Mai (dia letak nama nih, hehe)
- grilled lamb + black pepper sauce
- burger... kekeke

caesarean salad mr z (sedap tp kedekut betul nak bagi resipinya)

 yang ni sup tapi tak chiang mai (by mr z)

Tuh yang ok la, kena buat honorable mention sket, a token of my appreciation atas kesedapan masakan tuh dan kesudian beliau masak. Yang horrorable mention tak payah buatla :P just kidding, k. Thank you :)

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Yang ni pulak ialah yang kawan-kawan kasi, saya cuba ringkaskan dalam sekeping gambar:

sup seaweed cik F + ikan

nasi kuning + kari kambing + ayam + kari tomato + beriani daging + sayur bendi + limau (cik Khan + cik H)

roti paratha + dal kambing

bubur nasi ayam (brown rice yang sedap dan dah dapat resipi)

lamb curry cik M (nanti nk tanya resipi, sedap)

Dried druit

Daging masak merah (?) + sup sayur tomato + sayur bhaji apa ntah + sayur bendi + nasi minyak (?) + pineapple

Semua nama-nama di atas rekaan semata-mata...
(nama masakan pun tipu, dah ler tipu cakap nak letak sekeping gambar jer, terpaksa letak gambar lebih sket wat kenangan)

Saya tatau nama masakan diorang, walaupun namanya kari tapi lain-lain jenis dan rasa. Dan nasi2 tuh pun ada nama tapi segan la takkan nak tanya, kan? So di sini lepas operation saya tak larat, jadinya saya ikut jer la cara makanan pantang orang Mesia (yang mana ingat), atau Bangladeshi, India, Jepun/Korea...


Orang Korea/Jepun cakap seaweed bagus untuk legakan luka, dan cik F buat sup seaweed, saya makan jer :) Orang India cakap makan pineapple bagus untuk heal luka, saya telan jer. Orang bangla/ Arab cakap makanan berempah baik untuk boost susu dan heal luka, pun saya tak komplen, makan jer la. Jus carrot tuh petua kawan-kawan (m'sia), terima kasih ya :)Ada juga makanan lain yang first time jumpa macam bubur rempah India dan bubur nasi yang manis (Iran)..etc etc...Dalam keadaan tak larat nih, semua saya makan. And sometimes food is no longer for pleasure, tapi untuk survive and heal luka cepat.

Ada juga beberapa benda yang saya discover. Contohnya macam jus apple nih mengurangkan susu manakala makanan yang berempah heavy ni memang menambahkan susu. Memang abundant supply. Tapi too pedas for me, my husband suka la tu :P Memang mr z nampak makin berisi sejak dalam pantang nih... hihi.

Banyak sungguh kenangan tak dapat dilupakan sepanjang berpantang di sini, membuatkan saya terfikir, walaupun kadang-kadang saya rasa kuat dan mampu berdikari, tapi good friends always make you stronger, emotionally. Terima kasih atas all the nice du'a and kind prayers. I am forever thankful for all Your guidance and blessing ya Allah, Alhamdulillah. Semua peristiwa nih akan jadi sejarah satu masa nanti..

Saya masih lagi berpantang, Mr Z pula dah start research, tapi Alhamdulillah dah dapat manage my time dan dah boleh start masak sikit2..Dan dapat tackle sikit perangai newborn Ayyan Fateh.

It's just that, errr, I just....I just..I ....Huwaaa~

I miss my mom, and my sis now..

The Little Brother

I tried to prepare Aisyah for the arrival of her new sibling in every possible ways that I could think of (to stagger some time for her to be ready for the possible changes) but was consistently frustrated by her passive response. She did not bother to show even the slightest interest on the soon to come baby. She even poked my tummy while I was telling her that she would have a baby brother soon, and that was when I decided that I should expect some sibling rivalry and her being extra crabby and demanding!

 It was not until in the final weeks of my pregnancy that out of the blue, she pointed out to my tummy saying "adik baby" and then called herself "kakak Aisyah".. :)

She first met her baby brother the day after the delivery. At that  time, the nurse was positioning him on her lap, trying to get him to burp. She was really amused by that and giggled happily ':) And there you go, she fell in love with him from the very first moment she laid her eyes on him.. She found him to be "very cute" and "very small". She call him "beautiful baby".

She has her own way of showing her role and love :)..


Well, when cik F's two and half years old daughter, Sufiya was approaching the cradle, Aisyah stopped her and said "No! Don't touch".. After Sufiya's second relentless attempt to approach the baby cradle, Aisyah seemed to allow her to do so, but with a strict and loud warning, "Be Careful!" Both cik F and me was laughing hard at her showing her being big sister. The other time, when another young visitor, cik Azie's one year old daughter went to the same cradle, Aisyah again stopped this "intruder" and shouted "Stop! Mine!!"

Well, she is very helpful and I find it to be rather cute sometimes. Yes i mean it - SOMETIMES...

HE'S CRYING
She heard him crying and rushed to her cradle
"Baby! I'm comiiiiiiiing baby. It's ok baby, Esyah ada.."

And then began to search for new diapers and jelly etc for her baby brother. But it was funny though when she complaint about him crying during her favorite TV shows.

"Mama. This baby is noise! This baby 'ekk, ekkk'! "

HE'S SLEEPING
"Auwww! Adik baby is sleeping. Soo cute"
And then started to scream, err, sing,
"Im a butterfly, I can fly, fly, I fly..."

And hundreds other ways of her showing her love towards her baby brother, to the extend that she wanted to bathe him and clean him..Ended up, mama kena cuci dua-dua org sekali..huhu.

 I love you both. 

(Abaikan pameran lukisan bersepah oleh kakaknya itu)

Well, she just cant resist the temptation to touch n tickle his tiny feet...even while he's sleeping. Penatnya..

But I know that everything's worth the sacrifice when I find myself spending hours looking at them..