After the Birth

I pride myself and pat my own shoulder for being strong enough to face the delivery and the physical and emotional changes alone.. when other friends told me that they think I was really strong that I can sit on the floor as early as 3,4 days after the operation, I thought to myself, "yes, i did it. i overcame all the physical and emotional challenges. I survived :P"

But the sadness and guilty and anger and hundreds other feelings still haunt me once a while, again and again and again and again. I thought me being alone was the reason i ve been sad and depressed, and i thought that the backpain that has been bothering me everytime i did some simple chores were the reason ive been angry, and i thought that being unable to look after aisyah properly, and give her undivided attention as i did before the birth of her brother, was the reason for me to have this guilty feeling...

And I wanted more than what my husband can give me, I wanted some warm and loving words, undivided attention, care, and deep inside my heart, i wanted him to be by my side and understand my feeling. I wanted him to be a mind reader, which was ridiculous. And I got frustrated when he was anything but that. And the de ja vu of the mixed feelings will start all over again.. in the end of the day, I would find myself all alone with the feelings of guilt, angry, frustrated, tired and everything overwhelming me.

I thought I was going crazy, and I cant take it anymore. I believed that this is not some post-partum blues. No one in my family have this depression, not that i know. All the women in our family are strong and brilliant, they are everything but weak - mom, sis, aunts, grandmas... I didnt remember any one of them cried or consulted to the doc for being depressed...But as the negative feelings started to taking over my sanity, I knew I had to do something.. And these things are not like you can tell it straight to your husband or friends' faces. You can tell your husband, "Im not well, I have back pain and I need to rest for some time". He'd understand that, but you cant simply tell him "Im depressed, I need some warm words from you. Say something, anything, make me myself again". What would he do?

So I did some research by myself, and found out hundreds thousands sources in the net pointing out the "depression after caeserean birth".. and am glad that i wasnt alone. I thought Im being selfish and that moms giving c-section birth would not suffer from emotional depression, but I was wrong. And Im glad that I was wrong :P Ok, so im not crazy, and it isnt that Allah has neglected my prayer or anything, like someone said. It is ok to admit that you are weak, but just be careful, you dont want to be hit on your faces or being cursed "stupid" "tak malu" "insane"... You just need to talk to the right person, perhaps "a woman that is dear to you" like ur mom or sis or besties :P

Here are some of the things I found on the net... hehe, looked like "the net" is the "woman that is dear to me" now, how sad. Huh~ I just miss my girlfriends, they are all over the world but canada...

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While it isn’t talked about much, Caesarean Depression DOES exist. Some women feel as though they have failed, and feel extremely "let down" by the process of having a Caesarean instead of a vaginal birth. Some women actually experience nightmares or anxiety attacks. This type of depression can last for weeks or years.

source: here

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When I held my daughter in my arm's for the first time, I was overwhelmed with emotions that I had never before experienced. All at once I was consumed with love, warmth and the overwhelming need to protect and nurture her. While these feelings stayed with me, I also began to feel emotions that I was completely unprepared for.

I expected to experience the post partum "blues", but the feelings that ran through me went much further than that. I was suddenly angry, sad, guilty, and resentful about everything surrounding my Caesarean Section. Instead of looking back at the birth of my daughter with happiness, I felt as though I had deprived myself and my daughter of a vaginal birth. I often found myself in tears, unable to explain these feelings to anyone.

Days, weeks and months went by and the feelings remained. My life continued on as normal, but I was constantly plagued by feelings of "what if." What if I had eaten healthier during my pregnancy? What if I had waited a little bit longer before agreeing to the Caesarean? It wasn't until I began talking with other woman who had undergone Caesareans that I began to realize that those feelings were normal.

Anger & Resentment:
It´s perfectly normal to feel angry after the fact. You may be angry at yourself, angry at your doctor, or angry at the nurses. You may resent the fact that the chain of events occurred like they did. You may resent your doctor for performing the procedure, or the nurses for being there.


Disappointment and Sadness:
It´s perfectly normal to feel disappointed about having a caesarean. You may feel as though you failed because you were unable to have a vaginal birth. You may feel disappointed and sad because you didn't get to experience pushing, or watching the baby's head crown.

Guilt:
Guilt is a common emotion after having a Caesarean. You may feel as though you must have done something wrong during pregnancy or labor to end up needing a Caesarean. You may feel guilty because you couldn't control the circumstances surrounding your Caesarean.

Regret:
It is common to feel regret about having a Caesarean. You may regret not being able to labor a little bit longer. If you feel as though your Caesarean was unnecessary, you may regret not having said no, or asking more questions.

Inadequacy:
Feelings of inadequacy after having a Caesarean are normal. You may feel inadequate as a mother, or as a woman since you were unable to delivery vaginally.


It took quite some time for many of these feelings to fade away. Some of them I still feel, and each day I try to improve my take on the entire situation. It is important to remember that these feelings are normal. These emotions coupled with post partum "blues" can leave you feeling emotionally drained. Depending on the circumstances surrounding your Caesarean, you may experience different levels of these emotions.


If you feel as though you are overwhelmed by these feelings, or if you begin to experience any of the symptoms of post partum depression it is important to contact your doctor. In some cases Caesarean Depression can develop. While not widely discussed, Caesarean Depression exists and should be treated.

sources: here 

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Now, I just need to know how to overcome and control these emotions. Aint I glad that Im not losing my sanity? pheww~