Comfortable Zone & The Small Self-esteem

I'm a stay-at-home mom now, and I personally think that for a woman to have choose to stay at home isnt the last option, but rather a wonderful choice that not all women can opt for, for one or some reasons. And to be able to think about it this way is just... recent. VERY RECENT, indeed.

I love to work. And I wanted to work badly, genuinely, honestly, very much. For those who know the reason, they would stop asking further intriguing questions. And they would know that I didnt drain my brain for the mscie degree just for the sake of adding another few miligrams to the fileholder.

The pressure and temptations are all around me. Forget the countless innocent questions or harass drones, coz i dont really care about other people's views anymore these days. It's all about me, my life. I can do only one thing, and that one thing wasnt cooking, or cleaning, baking, or sewing..or..well, let me make it short. Am very bad at doing all the stuff that requires handskill. And wasnt really the type of the last wanita melayu. I just know how to work, and found out that doing independent research really feeds my left brain very well.

And i think that almost all the research students would somehow be persuaded by the supervisor to continue to higher study, and under their supervision. Err..In my case, to doctorate la..But of course, with all the respect, while being grateful for the unconditional support and innumerable help by my previous supervisor, im still traumatized by the memory of the insufficient time, unavailable expertise(s), un'purchase'able equipments and unreachable facilities, all needed to complete my project. 'Suffocated' was just the perfect word.

My husband has always been very supportive to the ideas of me going to phd, and he has seen me in the future continuing my study, after he'd completed his study..which would be ..say, another 5 years? There's a catch in this :P- I'll help him with his research when he comes back to Malaysia again :P Arggh~ I just dont think i would, even if i could. Obviously, we were both two different entities that work and think in totally the opposite way. Boleh ke kerja di bawah satu projek? Nope..I dont think so :P And honestly, nowadays, my sole pray was to be in my comfortable zone - being at home, by their side.

Then few days ago, the newly 'recruited' supervisee (of my previous sv) contacted me for my 'help'. He would love to further develop my project, which left me floating on the cloud (literally? :P). It wasnt really a big deal if i were a student/academician myself, but the fact that an unknown foreign master student is interested in the project previously developed by this humble housewife, really injected some self-esteem into myself. I mean, whoa, I did contributed something... I did have a thesis. And I really am a mscie graduate...I was a student. Macam tak percaya.

Rasa macam nak start coding semula...

Kalau tulis angan2 kat blog, tak kena ISA kan? :P